When Not to Meditate

Photo by Pawel Czerwinski

People don’t talk about this as much, but it’s important to consider when not to meditate — or how to approach meditation— if you have an anxiety disorder or depression.

Meditation can help you get through an episode of anxiety, depression or mania by betraying the thoughts that fuel such episodes as false, by giving you some calm space to survey your situation and predict your moods, and by revealing some ideas on how to intervene. But only if you have an established practice. If you have not meditated regularly, or at all, and you’re in a period of depressed ideation, impulsive mania or torturous anxiety, don’t start now. You’ll just sit there agitated and ruminate and your condition will likely get worse. Seek help elsewhere. Begin practice during a stable period.

When I first considered meditation, my mind was still troubled by an episode of mania that resulted in a hospitalization. Anxious rumination unsettled my thoughts, and to sit quietly observing such thoughts likely would have pushed me over the edge. I read the Psalms instead. Today, with a well-established practice, focused attention helps me navigate and overcome such difficult periods. But as a beginner, silent practice right then would have been dangerous.

This piece is an excerpt from George Hoffman’s upcoming book, coming out Feb 25, 2022.

It’s best to begin meditating during a period of relative stability. If one is depressed and contemplating suicide, a new meditation practice will not help at all. If a terribly depressed person sits with those thoughts, things are only likely to get worse. After establishing a strong practice, the same focus at the same time may help a person release such thoughts and be well. But not as a beginner.

Anxiety is a similar situation. The beauty in using meditation to manage anxiety is the revelation of self-defeating thoughts. As I stated before, we’ve all thought, I’m so anxious I could die! Meditating on this reveals that you don’t die. Thoughts fuel the anxiety, and if you can see the thoughts as erroneous and let them go the anxiety inflamed by them will pass, too. But not until you’ve practiced long enough to face and release thoughts with confidence. As a beginner, the rumination will only further convince you that, yes, the anxiety will kill you.

Most studies that prove the beneficial effects of meditation have their subjects meditate for 20 minutes a day for four to eight weeks before lasting positive results are established. (Of course, you have to keep practicing for the positive effects to remain.) It takes about that long to learn how to successfully sit and notice the changes in and around you. It takes about that long to learn how to release thoughts that don’t make sense. It takes a bit longer to predict episodes by noting signals in your body, emotions and mind. If you haven’t put in a few weeks of practice when you’re well, don’t meditate when things are too challenging to endure. Call a hotline or reach out to a loved one or doctor instead.

Today many teachers with little depth of understanding of the challenges meditators can face are leading students into practices that, while often very positive and relaxing, can lead a troubled mind into very dangerous places. Just as a poorly trained yoga teacher can push a student to physical injury, an insensitive meditation teacher can introduce practices that add dangerous rumination to the challenges one may face. This can be especially damaging to people with serious mental illness.

Even expert, world-famous teachers have students who have come apart, some requiring hospitalization. Recent research published in PLOS One indicates that 25% of people who have meditated for at least two months have reported a particularly unpleasant psychological experience, such as anxiety, fear, distorted emotions or thoughts, or an altered sense of self or the world while meditating. Meditators who have practiced for years, or long periods of time during each sitting, had an even higher occurrence of challenging experiences.

Those most at risk include those who suffer from high levels of repetitive negative thinking, as do many with serious mental illness. This is not to say that meditation cannot benefit those with serious mental illness. It saved my life from the ruin of bipolar disorder. It just needs to be entered into carefully, and with support.

About the Author

After a series of hospitalizations and a lot of bad behavior, George Hofmann managed to overcome the worst of bipolar disorder by adding practices in focused attention to the usual therapies of medicine and talk. He works to show others with anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder how to do the same. Before he began to write and teach, George studied with several well-known teachers in the Zen and secular mindfulness traditions. He is the author of Resilience: Handling Anxiety in a Time of Crisis, and maintains the site "Practicing Mental Illness," which promotes meditation, movement and meaningful work as keys to growth and healing. This post is an excerpt from George’s book Practicing Mental Illness, coming out in Feb 2022. George has conducted workshops on meditation for individuals, families, support groups, healthcare professionals and corporations. George also writes a weekly commentary on the Psalms from an inquisitive, ecumenical perspective at The Psalms Meditations Project. He lives in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania with his wife, their daughter and two poorly behaved dogs.

Teen Cutting

Photo by Matthew Waring

Signs, Symptoms, Prevention, and Treatment

When confronted with intense emotions, some teens may turn to self-harm, such as cutting, as a means of coping. While some claim that cutting serves as a temporary distraction from difficult feelings, this confuses others who wonder how physical pain can ease emotional pain.

Familiarize yourself with this self-harming behavior so you'll know what to do when your teenager engages in it.

What Is Teen Cutting?

Nonsuicidal self-injury (NSSI) is the intentional harming of the body without the intent to end one’s life. Cutting is one example of NSSI, but it can also be done through scratching, hitting, and burning, among other methods. Additionally, NSSI is more common in people who suffer from anxiety, depression, or have difficulty regulating their emotions. 

Why Do Teens Engage In Self-Harm Like Cutting?

While there are many causes and factors to self-harm, some teens do it because they are looking for a way to alleviate or distract themselves from their intense thoughts and emotions. 

A meta-analytic study from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry analyzed the prevalence and characteristics of self-harm in adolescents across 41 countries. Results showed that the average age of starting self-harm was 13 years old and the most common type of self-harm was cutting. The most common reason is to find relief from their thoughts and feelings. 

Additionally, a 2016 study looked into the reason why adolescents self-harm, with results showing that the most common reason is “to get relief from a terrible state of mind”. 

What Are The Signs That A Teenager May Be Engaging In Cutting? 

Some teens who engage in cutting might try to conceal it, so adults might not have an idea that it’s happening. The following signs will give you an idea if your teen is engaging in this dangerous behavior:

• Fresh cuts or scars on the skin (e.g. wrists, hands, legs, or other body parts)

• Using bandages and plasters more often

• Wearing clothes that are not suitable for the weather to cover cuts

• Covering certain body parts with clothes or jewelry

• Avoiding situations where they have to show their body (e.g. swimming)

• Self-isolation 

• Symptoms of depression (e.g. hopelessness, reduced appetite, sleep problems, irritability)

Is Cutting A Sign Of Suicidal Intent?

When teenagers engage in self-harm, it's often a way for them to deal with or find some relief from their emotional suffering. But even though people who engage in NSSI might not have suicidal intent, parents should still be concerned for their children. 

Researchers have investigated the relationship between NSSI and suicidal intent. In a 2013 study, the findings suggested that NSSI is a risk factor for suicide. Additionally, another study found that a history of NSSI predicted suicidal thoughts and behaviors. This suggests that it may serve as a “gateway” behavior for suicide. 

Can Cutting Become An Addiction Or Habit? 

When teens repeatedly rely on cutting as a way to cope, it can form into a habit. For instance, instead of learning how to regulate intense emotions, teens might feel the urge to self-harm to find relief from what they’re feeling. 

What Are The Treatment Options For Teenagers Who Engage In Cutting?

Teenagers who engage in self-harm have access to different treatment options. You can look into the following:

Cognitive Behavior Therapy

Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is a type of psychotherapy or talk therapy that uses strategies to change a patient’s unhelpful thinking patterns. It is based on the principle that a person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions are connected. 

For instance, if a teen’s distorted or irrational thoughts causes emotional distress, which can lead to self-harm behavior such as cutting, CBT can help them understand the reason why they self-harm and find healthier ways to cope. 

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a psychotherapy that is based on CBT. It is helpful for teens who are struggling to regulate their emotions. It was originally designed for patients with borderline personality disorder (BPD) but can also be effective for those who struggle with major depressive disorder, suicidal behavior, and nonsuicidal self-injury. 

The main goal of this type of therapy is to teach patients two opposite ideas — acceptance and change. For example, you will be taught to accept yourself, your challenges, and your experiences. Additionally, you will also learn to make positive changes in your life. 

How Can I Create A Supportive Environment To Help My Teen Stop Cutting?

A supportive environment can help your teen who’s struggling to stop harming themselves. Here are some ways you can help them:

Communicate with your teen

If you’re still in doubt if they’re harming themselves, you can communicate your concerns with your teen in a safe and private environment. But be prepared for other reactions, as they may try to deny it or get upset. The best reaction is to stay calm and communicate again next time. 

When having this conversation with your teen, be as calm and nonjudgmental as possible. Express concern and communicate that you want to help them. Be patient because it can take a long time for your teen to make the necessary changes.

Be Available For Your Teen

Support your teen by listening to their problems, offering comfort, and thinking of solutions together. Help them practice healthy coping mechanisms to help minimize their stress, such as practicing yoga, spending time in nature, and taking deep breaths. Additionally, it is also important to check up on your teen often even if you think that they’re getting better.

Research and learn

Gain a deeper understanding of self-harm and explore strategies to help your teenager overcome this behavior. There are plenty of research studies and learning materials available online for your reading. This will help you understand what they are going through and also find out what treatment options are available.

Be a good influence

How you respond to difficulties, express your emotions, and behave will influence your teen. What you do, what you believe in, and what you say can have an impact on them. 

That’s why it’s a good idea to also learn how to regulate emotions, have self-compassion, and practice healthy problem-solving skills when faced with challenges. This way, you can be a positive influence on your teen.

Create a safe home environment

Remove or lock up hazardous objects in your home, such as knives, weapons, and other dangerous household items to keep your teen safe when they are having self-harming thoughts. Your teen’s therapist can help create a safety plan to teach teens to cope with their thoughts and emotions and also help you make the home environment safer. 

When To Seek Professional Help

If you're worried that your teenager may be participating in self-harming activities, it's recommended to reach out to a professional for assistance. A mental health professional can provide the treatment that your teen needs. 

If you feel overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to ask your trusted support network for help. You can also benefit from seeking professional help for yourself if you’re struggling as a parent. Remember that you can only take care of your teen if you also take care of yourself. 

The Bottom Line

When teens engage in self-harm, it's often a sign of intense emotional pain, and discovering that your teenager is struggling in this way can be incredibly shocking and unsettling. Aside from your teen’s determination to stop this unhealthy habit, strong support from their loved ones can go a long way to making a positive change. Be patient as they overcome their struggles and find healthier ways to cope.

Michael Vallejo is licensed as a Clinical Social Worker in Colorado and Oregon. He received a Master’s Degree in Social Work from Portland State University in 2010 and has extensive experience with children with behavioral and mental health difficulties. He’s worked in a residential treatment center for children and teens as well as in a shelter for at-risk youth and he co-owns Mental Health Center Kids.

Meet a Voyager: Rachel Hunter

Editor’s note: Rachel emailed to ask if she could share an essay about her mental health in honor of the launch of her new blog, Positively Anxious. She describes her goal as “to help others who might be experiencing the same issues feel seen and supported, and to put a splash of positivity into the planet, too!” Here’s her post!

Ohh Rachel, you worry too much. Oh Rachel, just relax! Hey Rachel, uh, I think you’ve sweated through your shirt…yep, all phrases I have heard uttered countless times in my worrisome little life. You see, I have an anxiety disorder called, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (maybe you’ve heard of it?), and like the other 6.8 million people it affects in the US, we know all too well that it can sometimes blow some hot stanky ass. In case you aren’t familiar with GAD, it is mental health condition that involves persistent anxiety that interferes with your daily life. For me, this also includes panic attacks and more recently, PMDD, but it can look differently on different people.

My earliest memory of having anxiety was when I was around 10 years old and was having some trouble falling asleep at night. Each night, my young brain would swirl with worry about mostly irrational and out of my control things, like natural disasters, diseases, and car accidents. My nightly prayers became a loooong list that took me several minutes to rattle off each night. It was exhausting, but I was too terrified to leave anything or anyone out. One time I saw an outbreak of meningitis on the news and couldn’t stop worrying about contracting it. The news anchor had mentioned if you could touch your chin to your chest, you didn’t have it, so every night and every morning, I would lower my neck to verify I could still touch my chin to my chest. Looking back, this makes me really sad. I didn’t know any other 10 year olds checking themselves for meningitis every day! I knew something was wrong, but as a kid, I didn’t fully understand what.

It would be years later in college when I would finally get diagnosed. I was in the student center and it was mental health week. I had never had any school or program ever hold a mental health week before. It was early days in the discussion of mental health and there was still a stigma around talking about mental issues. I feel awful saying this now, but back then, I was worried everyone would think I was crazy, so I never told any adult what I was going through. Aside from my best friend, I kept it to myself and handled it the best way I could. But suddenly, here it was, being talked about out in the open, so I wandered around and found the anxiety booth. I snuck a pamphlet and poured over it back at the dorm. And let me tell you what- it felt SO good! As I read it, I was like, yes! That’s me! Omg, I feel all these things! Yes, I do have panic attacks! Yes, I do have unwanted thoughts and nervous sweating! I felt so seen and for the first time, so relaxed. It had a name. There were other people like me. And the best part? My school offered free counseling. For real?!

In those counseling sessions, I found out which type I had (GAD) and learned some handy coping techniques. I also talked for the first time about what I was experiencing with an adult. It changed a lot for me. I am eternally grateful that my school offered this service free of charge for students. I hope every college always offers free counseling, and I hope every kid that needs it is brave enough to grab that pamphlet and make an appointment.

I also hope everyone has a roomate like I did, who when she noticed I was always gone around the same time every week and not for a class or for work, asked me what was going on. After dodging the question for weeks, I finally confessed I was going to therapy for my anxiety. She looked at me, smiling and said, “Oh, cool. I’m really happy for you.’”

I said, “Really? You don’t think it’s weird?”

“Nah, I always knew you were crazy,” she playfully joked, and then we both burst out laughing and went to get dinner. Just like that, it was no big deal. It was nice to be accepted just as I was.

So now, here I am, a million years later, wanting to talk about it. ALL OF IT. So no one feels left out or crazy or ashamed like I did. Because as great as the help I received in my youth was, this is something I deal with on a daily basis, and always will.

But it is also only one part of me. One super inconvenient and often overwhelming part of my bad-ass self. There is a lot more to my story. And to yours, too.

So while we may anxiously fear the big bad unknown, we can also try to embrace the good stuff for as long as we can. After all, the other side to this blog is POSITIVITY. And these days, that is my main focus. I want to help us all find ways to cope so we can give more of our energy to finding our purpose,  maintaining healthy relationships, and enjoying many years of good health. I’m not talking about that easy cheesy optimism, but rather a true joyful outlook. It requires acknowledging the hurt, pain, and devastating facts of our world and doing our best to process these things (and help others where we can!) while still striving for joy. It requires honesty, courage, and putting in the work. But trust me, no matter what you are feeling or where you are at in your journey, I promise you are worth the work.

So now that you know my past, let me catch you up a little on my present. I am a new mom (hello nothing but scary unknowns!), a kick-ass wife,  a rock climber, hiker, & dancer.

I am a feverish night owl. TV and movies are my jam.

I am overly particular about almost everything. I ruminate and question almost everything.

Eating real food and being in nature feels like a big hug to me. Music, a well timed fart, and abundant sunshine bring me glee.

I am someone with a mental health disorder.

I am positively anxious.

Rachel is a writer and new mom based in Colorado. She studied film at Kent State University and in a past life, ran a sketch comedy group, made a parody video about boobs, and wrote a short film about love. She loves to create, and can often be found hiking in all seasons with her husband and the brightest, sweetest little girl in the world.

Three Quigong Techniques to Try Right Now

Editor’s note: Betty Lee reached out to me to share some of her favorite Qigong exercises. I happened to be angsty when I got her email and immediately tried the breathing and movement exercises and they did help!

Breathing exercise

Did you know Qi means “Breath of Life?”  Here’s a basic Qigong breathing technique that’s good for relieving stress.

1. Breathe in through your nose for 8 counts deeply from your diaphragm

2. Blow out through your lips for 8 counts. 

3. Do this 8 times, and you will feel calmer.

Movement exercise

Chow Qigong exercises balance your energy to boost your immune system — even 15 minutes can help you feel energized and positive! Hip rotation exercises massage all your inner organs. Here’s an 18-minute video of the 8 Brocades Qigong practice. These exercises can be done sitting down, if you are in a weakened condition. 

Here’s another version of movement exercises featuring Dr. Chow, a world renowned Qigong Grandmaster. (She rehabilitated herself from wheelchair to climb stairs using these exercises, when she was in a weakened condition at 88.)

Brushing Technique

The Chow Qigong Brushing is a unique technique that helps you brush away excess energy that can cause pain. 

1. Start by choosing a painful point on your arms or legs, e.g. for when you have a charley horse. You are going to brush away excess energy from that point.

2. Now put your hand 3 inches from that painful point and and sweep down firmly towards the ground. Do this a few times until you obtain relief quickly.  

3. Make sure not to brushing that energy back onto yourself or anyone else. 

4. For a painful point like a hip it may be more effective for another person to do it, because you are standing and the distance from painful area sweeping  firmly to the ground is longer.

Betty Lee was born in Hong Kong and is bilingual in Chinese and English.  She was certified as a Chow Qigong practitioner by Dr. Effie Chow.  She has helped maintain people's health for nearly 5 years in San Francisco and Reno.

Meet a Voyager: Mike Mather

Mike Mather is the founder of the Dharmaholic newsletter and community, and this bird is their mascot.

Q: Can you tell me about your childhood?

I was born in 1963 in Brisbane with 2 larger sisters, and in 1965, a sickly brother was born. Just before my 6th birthday, David died. That year, my only male cousin choked and died, and my granddad passed after mowing the lawn. Dad and I were the only males the eye could see.

Photo taken right before Mike’s dad died and Mike got sober.

My father was a heavy drinker and hit the bottle hard then, and my mum, sisters, and I suffered from that as well as the loss. What he didn’t tell until later was that he fathered another daughter in 1965. He was trying to support that child too.

Eventually, he stayed sober for 3 years and got financially and physically fit. My sisters married young, and I was Mum’s only one left. Dad began to drink again, and Mum made me a surrogate spouse.

Q: How did that affect your life? What about your mental health?

I didn't know about mental health then. I felt that my family was the best in the world.
A sobering alcoholic is a very hard person to live with, and my dad didn't have AA, therapy, or spirituality to help him with this transformation. I remember he was very strict with my sisters and me, including 'Be seen and not heard', 'Go to church on Sunday and holy days, and 'Do what I say, not what I do'. So, my mental health? I was a crier and got teased about it by my brothers-in-law. I became a very studious and pious boy and never missed a day at school, went to Mass every Sunday with my sisters or alone, and I played all the sports I could manage. In hindsight, I was trained to not feel but to do. My sisters both married when I was around 9. I was also being nurtured by my grieving mother.

Q: What happened next in your life?

I got my girlfriend pregnant, and we married. Adam was born. I began to drink alcohol right from the start and was seeing a psychiatrist at 20. We divorced in our early 20s, and I tried several selling professions to make a career.

From left: Sebastion, Imagen, Mike and Adam

Sebastian and Imogen were born from a chaotic yet convenient relationship. I was pretty successful at Real Estate and owned my own agency for a while but went bankrupt in the late 20th Century.

Mike and Imogen

Imogen and Sebastian moved with their mother to Ireland, but Sebby didn’t like it, so I flew him home, and he lived with his drunken Dad for 15 years. Imogen and her mother came back to Australia. Imogen died of complications arising from her Down Syndrome in 2019. Seb now lives with his Mum and doesn’t answer my calls.

I now have a long-term partner, Heather. She is also a sober alcoholic. I received a small inheritance and restored a 1967 vintage caravan, in which I live. It is 2m × 4m. I pull it around Australia in a 20-year-old Subaru Forrester.

Q:  How do you describe the link between mental health and alcoholism? 

Alcoholism is a mental, physical, and spiritual disease. I have a mental obsession to drink to alleviate pain or suffering. The physical craving then steps in and I cannot stop when I want to. I do not know if I was bipolar as a child, but the highs for me are very high, and in our family, we drank to celebrate anything. My depression feels like it has always been there, and my father suffered badly too. He would take sick leave often and sit in front of the TV, shouting out for more cups of tea for hours. When he drank, he always got drunk. I not only saw this as role-modelling, but I was powerless to do otherwise. Alcohol relieved all my suffering until it began to cause suffering. I became a morning drinker in my thirties. 

Q:  What about when you got sober? What finally helped you get sober?
I have rarely worked in this century, but due to the Disability Support Pension the government gave me when I was 44 I have had an income. I was back living with my Mum and Dad in the coastal paradise apartment that I sold them. Dad’s lung cancer got worse, and he died. One year after that, I got sober.

I cared for my mother when I got sober in 2008 until she needed full-time High-care.

It took me 2.5 years of going to AA before I stayed sober for more than 50 days. I am now 15 years sober. The week that I finally got sober, I went to my first Buddhist Dharma class, and I combined Dharma and AA for my spiritual resurrection.

Being a solid part of both the Kadampa Buddhist community and AA has saved my life.

Q:  How did you find Buddhism? Can you describe what you felt when you discovered it? 

I became a reader of all matters Theological when I turned my back on religion the day after I got married (I was a grown-up now!) Eastern mysticism seemed attractive and the Beatles might have helped. When I was struggling with AA, and on the first anniversary of dad's death, I picked up a flyer for a Buddhist class that was on the next Thursday night. On Monday, I got valium for the DTs from the doctor, went to AA every day, and began to study Tibetan Buddhism in a newly formed group in my city of Gold Coast. I did a lot of service work for both organisations and felt a sense of purpose for something other than me and my family.

Q:  How do you support yourself now?

I write a weekly newsletter structured around a 12-month cycle of Dharma and AA work. My Dharmaholic business has just made a little income this week. I have plans to build a platform that combines the two guidelines provided by Buddhist philosophy and the framework of the 12-Step Workbook. There will be courses to complete and people to associate with that can bring relief from suffering and a genuine community.

Myself, I feel that approaching 60 without any money or security is scary. I have the opportunity to share the experiences that I have been blessed to have with others. The digital age has certainly provided that opportunity.

I feel some real responsibility to give back what was given me. The Kadampa Buddhist community is a worldwide organisation that helps spread Tibetan Buddhism in the West, and AA is a worldwide community that helps alcoholics achieve and maintain sanity without drinking.

Q:  If you could share one piece of wisdom about mental health and alcoholism to your younger self, what would you share? 
You're not that important. You are unique, valuable, and precious, but your life is not all about you. Our interdependence is what is real, and constantly trying to fix your own problems is a losing game. Help others and learn from the experience of giving compassion. The rewards in life come from giving of yourself, not from getting for yourself.

Q:  What do you wish people understood about you that they might not?
Being an introverted, bipolar man, I tend to enjoy the business of learning how to do “the business,” more than actually meeting and helping people. At least, that’s the story I tell myself.

I am a part of both houses—on my own terms, in my caravan.

From Living with OCD to Working with it

The author Natalia Aniela Aíza

My journey as an OCD therapist (and what I have yet to learn).

Compulsions are some of my earliest childhood memories. I was the only daughter of a single mother, a political refugee from Poland, and a Mexican father that I didn’t know. I locked and relocked the front door, then picked up the landline to make sure there was a dial tone, then looked out the back window to see if there was a car in the alley. I was six years old when I started spending every afternoon, and many weekends alone on the top floor of a duplex in downtown Milwaukee. 

In late elementary, I started feeling the urge to cut my arm. It was pre-internet, and I had no idea that anyone else did this too. I always cut in the same spot on the same arm, and then spent the next week compulsively dousing the wound with rubbing alcohol. The skin would bubble and puss, and I would focus all my anxiety on that searing pain. I distinctly remember that queasy feeling of being both powerful and powerless – what I now understand to be the dichotomy of having a control disorder that is out of control. I literally could not stop hurting myself. 

By middle school, my compulsive cutting had morphed into stealing. I was easily the best student in my classes, but was pathologically quiet. When other students went to recess, I would sneak back into the teacher’s supply room and take folders and binders. I never used any of these items, but I created a little collection in my bedroom that felt sacred to me. 6th grade summer, I began to slip single sleeves of stickers into my pants at the local Kohl’s grocery store (a staple of 1990s Wisconsin). My OCD version of shoplifting – the same item from the same store at the same time of day, every day – obviously got me caught. I actually got handcuffed as a 75 pound little girl, taken to the police station, and fingerprinted. 

My stealing abruptly stopped after this scared straight moment, and my OCD morphed once again into the place where it happily stayed for the coming decades: perfectionism. 

Of course some part of me is grateful that my compulsivity settled into a safer landing spot than self-harm or theft, but now that I am a therapist, I appreciate how much harder it is to heal from perfectionism OCD. Pushing myself to achieve that “just right” feeling, and overachieving until I literally cannot keep my eyes open anymore, has propelled most aspects of my life. It has brought pride and achievement, but also loss and disconnection. I anchor myself so loyally to perfection, I am not sure who Natalia is outside of it. 

Natalia with her team at Kairos Wellness Collective.

I realize the irony of trying to compose this very essay. My center is thriving, my life is full: and yet I wake up early Sunday morning to search for the consummate words to describe perfectionism. I am no longer that frightened and lonely little girl in Wisconsin, but somehow I am still driven by an intangible sense of danger. Being less-than feels unsafe.

If I put my therapist hat on, I am able to identify my current OCD as “ego-syntonic.” This means that my core self and my OCD are in line. Even if I recognize how my happiness is limited by my need for excellence, I will still willingly make this trade. 

As a mental health practitioner, I have a belief (perhaps superstitious) that the universe pairs you with the clients that you need to fully see yourself.  I began my career with two jobs: as an expat therapist in a ritzy neighborhood of Shanghai and as a child therapist at a local orphanage.  I spent the year toggling back and forth between these very different workplaces, struggling with the duality of working with children with abandonment wounds and over-achieving adults. It was only in retrospect that I started connecting these two client bases as aspects of my own self. 

From a very early age, I accepted that I wasn’t good enough to keep my father. I knew nothing of the circumstances of my parent’s rupture, but I formed a core belief that I was not worthy of love.  My attachment style, unsurprisingly, has been anxious for my whole life. I fear that love will crumble if it is imperfect, and I am hypervigilant of my partner’s reactions to me.  My anxious brain can ruminate on something as benign as a sour look in my direction. 

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, we teach our clients that most negative perceptions can be traced back to one of three core beliefs: I am unworthy, I am unsafe, and I am unloved.  My perfectionism has been so treatment-resistant because it was my salve for all three of these fundamental fears. 

Perfectionism is my brain’s effort to give me a sense of control; if I am measured, perhaps I will be safe. If I am tireless, perhaps I will be worthy. If I am flawless, then perhaps I will be loved. 

However, as an OCD specialist, I know that we have to let go of the compulsion in order to heal the obsession. Consistently meeting your own outsized standards reinforces that you must always do so, no matter what. I will never feel loved, worthy, and safe, until I am truly able to lean into the discomfort of imperfection.

Even as I sit here trying to type out my “perfectionism story,” overthinking and judgment lingers around this very text.  My perception of my business is warped by self-criticism.  Every piece of negative feedback fully eclipses all the positives.  Sometimes I even feel nostalgia for the self-destructive little girl that I once was. This adult version of me must continuously self-construct. If I slow down, or do just good enough, I do so with a chorus of intrusive thoughts that I might fail. 

I long to break step with this pattern. I have been marching forward for so long that I don’t know how to dance. I see the harm of perfectionism in my clients, but also how dearly they cling to it. I have to be honest with them – this compulsion still shadows me now.  Committing these words to the page signifies a pact with myself to finally, completely let go of perfectionism. 

I tell my clients: let’s try this new dance together.

Natalia Aniela Aíza, LPC, is the founder of Kairos Wellness Collective, an OCD clinic in Boulder, Colorado.  Her maladaptive perfectionism drove her out of a difficult childhood to Harvard College, then Harvard Law, before she found her true calling as a mother and an OCD specialist. She is passionate about mental health advocacy, and honesty from healers about our own (ongoing) struggles. You can follow her center on Instagram.

Meet a Voyager: Richard Sison

Photo courtesy Fight Coop and Richard Sison.

I learned about Richard when he emailed to ask if he could share a piece about mental health and martial arts on Bevoya.com. At first, I assumed that he was like so many people who write me — looking for a linkback. (Link backs are the currency of SEO rankings, which means if my site links to another site, it can appear higher in Google results). What I found, though, is that Richard was sincere in his desire to write about his own past experiences with anxiety. I love how he describes it in this interview as a “weird feeling” that he treated for years only with martial arts. Or how it can be difficult to fear being judged when practicing martial arts.

If you’ve been thinking about giving martial arts a try, and you’re hoping it might help with your own mental health, read on to learn more about how one expert in the field thinks about the connection.

Q: Can you tell us about your background — where did you grow up? What was your family like? 

I had the privilege of growing up in the Canadian city of Vancouver, known for its mountains and oceans. It was a place where the scent of ocean breeze mingled with the vibrant energy of a diverse and welcoming community.

My family shaped my journey within this nurturing environment, especially regarding my deep-rooted love for martial arts. I was blessed to be part of a close-knit family consisting of my loving parents and two amazing sisters.

My father, an engineer, always had a knack for problem-solving and instilled in me a thirst for knowledge and continuous improvement. His unwavering support and belief in my abilities became a guiding light throughout my martial arts journey. He often shared stories of perseverance and determination from his life experiences, inspiring him during moments of doubt.

My mother, a dedicated nurse, possessed an unparalleled nurturing spirit. She taught me the importance of compassion on and off the training mat. Her gentle encouragement and genuine interest in my martial arts pursuits helped foster a sense of empathy and humility within me.

Growing up with my two sisters was a constant source of joy and companionship. We embarked on countless adventures together, playing countless games and adventures in the nearby park. Their presence in my life brought an element of camaraderie and mutual support that further fueled my passion for martial arts.

The community in Vancouver itself played a significant role in my upbringing. It was a melting pot of cultures and ideas. I encountered individuals from diverse backgrounds with unique stories and perspectives. This rich tapestry of humanity fostered a sense of acceptance and inclusivity, providing the perfect backdrop for my martial arts journey.

Q: What do you think first drew you to martial arts? Was there a mental health component to the appeal (whether you realized it or not)? 

The allure of martial arts was undeniable when I discovered it as a young and curious teenager. A combination of factors instantly captivated my attention and sparked an unquenchable curiosity. The discipline, focus, and sheer power of martial arts resonated deeply with my spirit.

The intensity and precision of the movements were like a magnet, pulling me toward this captivating world. I was fascinated by the physical and mental challenges of martial arts. The artistry and skill displayed by practitioners ignited a fire within me, urging me to embark on my journey of self-discovery through martial arts.

Like many others, I struggled with maintaining concentration at school as a young boy. However, the discipline instilled by martial arts seeped into various aspects of my life, including my academic pursuits. I discovered that the mental focus and discipline honed through martial arts training translated into improved performance in the classroom. It became a valuable tool for channeling my energy and maintaining a sharp focus on my studies. 

Q: How would you describe your own mental health journey? 

My mental health journey has been winding, filled with triumphs and challenges. Anxiety has been a constant companion, creating hurdles demanding resilience and strength. However, martial arts have been a guiding light, illuminating the way forward and empowering me with the mental fortitude to navigate even the darkest times.

As far as I can remember, I’ve experienced feelings of anxiety. The feeling of something wrong, but I can’t quite put a finger on it. It started at an early age, as mentioned, during grade school, not being able to concentrate. It grew as I got older, and I thought maybe I was just sensitive. I would take criticism worse than others or overthink situations in my head countless times after they happened.

Martial arts and exercise have always made these feelings easier to manage. It wasn’t until I turned 19 that my mental health journey reached a climax when my dad died from cancer. Being young and equipped with stoicism learned from martial arts, I dug my feet in and didn’t allow myself to feel pain. At the time, I viewed this as a weakness to overcome.

Doing so didn’t allow me to grieve my loss and hurt many relationships around me. I became irritable and harsh with friends and family. I blamed everyone and everything for my circumstances while wearing a “tough guy” mask and not accepting responsibility for my situation.

It wasn’t until 25 that I decided to seek professional support. My sensei at my Jiu-Jitsu gym guided me to not view mental health as an embarrassment or weakness. Something he said to me stuck with me: “You would go to the dentist for a toothache, so why not go to a counselor for a heartache?”

Fifteen years later and I still attend counseling regularly. Even if I’m not being rocked by life’s undulating waves, it’s beneficial to have a professional ask probing questions and help me understand behaviors and thoughts.

My mental health journey will continue for the rest of my time here. There will be difficulties, but I’ve changed my opinion as I’ve grown older. First off, it’s not shameful to feel depressed or anxious. And more importantly, I strive to teach young men and women not to bottle up how they feel. If you feel like crying, do it. If you feel like yelling, do it. Just feel your emotions and be kind to yourself.

Q: Do you think martial arts help with anxiety, and if so, how? 

After my father passed away at 19, a little “weird feeling” within me grew. My anxiety was left untreated for years and grew silently. Martial arts kept it in check. However, alongside guidance from a mental health professional, this became the “one-two punch” to manage anxiety. I know that the days I practice martial arts are much brighter than those I don’t. This is why I decided to dedicate my life to becoming a teacher. 

However, deciding to try martial arts can be a terrifying experience. Are people judging me? Can I do this? Will I get hurt? These are some of the questions that permeate.

In the beginning, stepping into the martial arts studio was a daunting experience. I was surrounded by unfamiliar faces, my heart pounding, and my mind consumed by self-doubt. However, the supportive and inclusive nature of the martial arts community began to break down the walls of my social anxiety. Fellow practitioners welcomed me with open arms, creating an environment where I felt safe to express myself without judgment.

As I continued training, I realized that martial arts offered a unique blend of physical exercise and mental discipline. The structured and intense workouts pushed me to my limits, demanding a complete focus on precise movements and techniques. Through this process, I discovered that martial arts required me to be fully present now, effectively shifting my attention away from my anxieties and onto the task at hand.

Q: Where do you recommend someone start with martial arts? Example: me. Where should I start?

Martial arts offer several styles, each with unique characteristics and techniques. Research and explore several types to find the one that resonates most with you. I recommend Jiu-Jitsu as a great starting point. You receive the numerous benefits of physical struggle. Still, the risk of injury is much lower because of the lack of striking.

Think about what you hope to achieve through martial arts. Are you interested in self-defense, physical fitness, competition, or personal development? Understanding your goals will help you choose a martial art style and training environment that aligns with your aspirations. Consider factors such as the intensity of training, focus on technique or physical conditioning, and the overall philosophy of martial art.

Take the time to visit different martial arts schools or clubs in your area. Observe classes, speak with instructors, and get a feel for the training environment. Pay attention to factors like the instructor's teaching style, the atmosphere, and professionalism. Finding a school that provides a supportive and inclusive environment where you feel comfortable and motivated to learn is essential.

Many martial arts schools offer beginner-friendly programs or introductory classes designed for newcomers. These classes usually provide a gentle introduction to martial art's basic techniques and concepts, allowing you to build your skills and confidence gradually. Participating in these programs can be a fantastic way to start your martial arts journey and assess if it fits you.

How do I join the Beautiful Voyager community?

Photo by John Schnobrich

I received a great question yesterday via email to Beautiful Voyager:

How do I join the online community Beautiful Voyager without dealing with Facebook and social media? Both overwhelmed me and irritated me to no end.

(It’s a great question. Is it possible to build online community without social media?)

The email went on: I purchased your book Get Out of My Head and you can read my take on it on my Amazon review. Paradigm changing. So of course...I want more of anything that calms me down.

(The words “paradigm changing” filled my heart with joy. Even better was knowing that my book helped someone feel grounded and calm. I think this voyager is smart and intuitive for tuning into their nervous system and knowing what works for them.)

Thank you for the deliberate design and details and intentional creation of this book. You are an anxious overthinker in the best sense of the word. If that makes any sense. It leads you to pay attention to every detail. Again thank you. I hope I can find ways to connect.

(This is why voyagers need voyagers! We get each other.)

I wrote back and shared three ways to get more involved in the Beautiful Voyager community, all for free. I thought it might be good information to share with all of you, too. Which is why you’re reading this now.

Photo by Luuk Wouters

Here are a three ways to join the community: 

1. Let me know where you want to put a lighthouse on this map (totally free). All I need is the location and the name of your lighthouse. If you'd like to send a message in a bottle out into the world, you just send me that as well! You will see how those messages in bottles work by clicking around the map.

2. I don't know if you've heard of Slack, but there is a Beautiful Voyager Slack community that you can join for free simply by clicking this link.

3. There is a series of "Meet a Voyager" here on Substack. Subscribe to the newsletter or respond to the chat prompts. It's where I share stuff I’m reading that I find interesting and thought-provoking. 

Beyond that, I would recommend the free emotion-tracking app called How We Feel. It’s not an online community, but it is an incredible way to find a shared language with others (and connect in an authentic way with the people you love). I’ve been lucky enough to work on this project for the past three years.

What about you, reader? How do you create community beyond social media? How do you find things that calm you down?

I’d love to hear about it — comment here or join the community :)